This one is extremely difficult for me to share and I am not just talking about literally having to limp over to my computer because my legs and ass are sore. No, this is by far one of the most challenging posts to date for me, but one that is necessary.
I have written about personal things before but I think this is the first time I have written about ME. Like, the raw and open and flawed me. You see, I don’t want anyone to worry about me or to think I am not “okay,” because first of all mom, I am okay, let me get that out on the table and I really mean it; but if I were to be honest, this has been a tough time in life for me… so here goes, here’s my share.
Yesterday marked 4 months and 10 days since my beautiful baby girl was born. She is my third and final baby… my perfect book end. My first book end is my teenage son, who I would give anything to be more like! He is intellectually gifted, he is legit kind, like he never says a bad word about anyone, even if they make him mad. He is considerate, respectful, helpful, and above all else, he is a kick ass human being. My middle child, in his explorative toddler years, is hilarious, sweet, challenging, energetic, and this flickering light in my world that I can’t get enough of! My baby girl… she is sweet and addictive, like extremely addictive! My children are truly every breath I take and as I write this, I am literally crying with this heavy beating heart and pit in my stomach with how enamored I am with them, individually and collectively. I am so proud and beyond this world grateful to be their mom. They have given my life a meaning I never dreamed possible.
I was on a quick couple day “baycation” as my toddler calls it to spend some time with my hubby who is a pilot and on the road… we had such an amazing time, just walking, playing, and spending time together. He offered for me to get a quick work out in and he would man the kiddos, I literally jumped at the chance, something I have placed at such a low priority, but have needed back in my life so badly.
As I was in the last 7 minute portion of the 28 minute workouts that I enjoy… I literally had tears fall down my cheeks. I was weak, I was sweating, I was mustering every bit of strength to finish. I didn’t want anything more for myself than to FINISH. You see, I have drifted into this place of procrastination and fear. I am terrified to finish things lately. “You’ve got this Chandra. Get lower in your sumo squat. Only 7…5…3 minutes to go, don’t stop now. You need to do this. This is for YOU.”
Do you ever feel like you’re just swimming and you can’t quite reach the ladder to pull yourself out of the pool? You’re not quite drowning but you’re just stuck. I have endured some serious SHIT lately in my life and I haven’t known exactly which direction I have wanted to “swim,” just that because of my beautiful children, I just need to keep going and eventually, I will figure out just which side of the pool to get out of.
Yesterday was the first time I took a lap in the right direction, in a direction for ME, not for my kids, not for my husband, family, no one… just me. It felt REALLY good. The tears mixed with the sweat dripping were just what I needed. I knew that I could finish, that I would finish, and that my body could finally begin to heal, that my heart and soul could too. I worked out hard yesterday, like I said, my ass hurts!
I can’t wait to find me again, my authentic self! She’s in there and she keeps showing a little bit more of herself, layer by layer. As my baby fat continues to melt away, my muscles become strong again, my mind and heart are too. I have been invisible really… allowed myself to become last instead of first. I think we as mothers put our children, spouses, and so many other people ahead of ourselves thinking we have to take care of them, that they can’t survive without us. In reality, we can’t really help anyone if we aren’t helping our selves first.
So, thank you to my husband for watching the kids yesterday so I could take care of me. But honestly, thank you to me for finally taking care of me too. If there is anything I want to teach my boys and my daughter, it is this: “be kind. to others, YES, absolutely. BUT especially and most importantly be kind to yourself.” It’s easy to get caught up in finding worth outside of ourselves, but if that is the case then we will always be disappointed or easily feeling the rollercoaster effects of self-worth and worthlessness. Seek happiness inside of your own heart and cut yourself some slack in this society of “importance labels” and pretentious bullshit!
My struggles lately are not any worse nor more important than any of your struggles… we all have them, our thresholds are different, our experiences vary, and I think that is why I have been hesitant to share. I don’t want to complain, I have so much to be grateful for… but I do want to share and relate to others. There is definitely a balance between being private and oversharing… there is somewhere for each of us in between that is essential to our communities and to continue to have connection with others and humanity at the forefront. Connection matters.
Layer by layer, with some major hesitation, I am going to become more vulnerable.
Tomorrow is my next 28 minute workout for the week, wish me luck.